The Asking

What My Reiki Master Taught Me by Waiting

Mark Straubel is a longtime student of Brian Brunius and is preparing for his Reiki Master initiation. He recently sent Brian this reflection on some of what he has learned during their years together.

As I get closer to my Master initiation, I keep coming back to things Brian Brunius never actually taught me in words. I learned them by watching him.

A lot of Reiki work is simply being with someone. Sitting with them. Giving Reiki without trying to make something happen, and not getting in the way of whatever the person is going through. There is a tendency, especially when you want to help, to want to do something. To fix something. To move things along. Brian doesn’t seem to have that need.

It took me a long time to understand that this wasn’t passivity. It was restraint, and restraint, in this work, can take a great deal of skill.

One of the things I’ve watched him do over and over is very simple: he doesn’t give help to someone who hasn’t asked for it. That doesn’t mean he is unavailable. Quite the opposite. Brian makes it very clear that if someone needs help, they can ask him. He is there.

Then he waits.

I’ve come to think the waiting itself is part of the teaching, because asking for help can be surprisingly difficult.

Why We Don’t Ask

We worry about imposing. We imagine the other person being inconvenienced. We think about all the reasons they might say no. Most of the time, we’re wrong.

There is another part of this that gets overlooked. People often get more satisfaction from helping than the person asking expects. Being asked can be a good thing. It gives someone the chance to be useful, to contribute, to be there for another person. So asking isn’t simply receiving. It gives something, too.

Waiting

It isn’t withholding, and it isn’t indifference. It is making yourself available without taking away the other person’s responsibility to take the first step.

That sounds simple. It isn’t always easy. When you care about someone, the temptation is to step in, to tell them what they need, to offer the answer before they’ve asked the question. Sometimes the harder thing is to leave the door open and let them come through it themselves.

I’ve watched Brian do that for years, and as I approach my own initiation I think about it more and more. There are techniques I have learned, things I have practiced and things I will eventually teach. But the most important things Brian has taught me have had little to do with technique. They have more to do with how you are with a person: being present, not rushing, not assuming you already know what someone needs. And when they do ask, being there to help.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is wait.